For many women, their birth story is a major part of their journey as a mother. When I found out that I was pregnant, I figured my birth would be beautiful and wonderful and empowering and I was excited to see how labor and delivery went and to have my “story.” If you’ve read my full birth story, you know that it didn’t go exactly as I’d hoped. My birth ended up “sticking with me” for all the wrong reasons. I had major guilt and sadness surrounding such a special day. Now, I know for many women, their birth was just a means to an end and they don’t think about it much, but I had (unintentionally) put it on such a “pedestal” that it was a huge letdown when things happened differently.

My expectations were set pretty high and when they were crushed, so was I. We had done a ton of research, taken multiple birth classes and opted for an out-of-hospital birth with midwives. We thought we were prepared (even overly prepared) and excited. I guess the one thing I hadn’t prepared for was a very long labor. It hadn’t crossed my mind that my labor would be longer than 24ish hours. So when 10, then 12, then 24 hours came and went, it was like my mind shut down. I’ve learned that so much of labor and birth is mental and when I mentally gave up, it was like I couldn’t handle the pain any longer. Almost one year later, I’m still struggling to accept that.

Looking back, it doesn’t seem real. Like it’s a story I heard instead of lived through. I think I’ve separated myself from it to avoid having to deal with the feelings. I’ve come a long way towards accepting Finn’s birth story since those first few months but as his first birthday approaches, I find myself dealing with it all over again. While I’m incredibly grateful for the gift of my sweet, healthy boy, the loss of my “birth plan” is still something I’m working through. Some days I blame other people who were involved and some days I blame myself. But blame isn’t getting me anywhere. Some days I’m proud of the 24 hours of labor I endured before getting the epidural and some days I beat myself up for “giving in.” A year later, I’m still taking it a day at a time.

Now that I’m specializing in birth photography, having the opportunity to be in the room as mommas fight a hard battle to meet their babies is such an incredible honor! I feel connected to them as they work through the contractions and offer an encouraging hand as they feel all the feelings that come along with any birth story. I know that the Lord brought me through those 36 hours of labor to make me a better momma, a more sympathetic person (and birth photographer), and a more fervent child of God. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that day and a half last year. For that reason, I’m grateful for my son’s birth story.

So for those of you out there who may have had a labor and birth that didn’t go according to “plan” or how you’d hoped it would go, I understand. Or maybe your labor did go as planned but it just wasn’t what you expected. Maybe you are fearful to have another child. Whatever your story is, don’t feel guilty for those feelings of sadness. You’re allowed to grieve over your birth even though you and baby are healthy, but I hope that you’re able to find joy in your sweet baby and move on from those feelings. I hope that you can find the good in all of it and that you can be proud of the hard work you did. You’re amazing, momma. Don’t EVER forget that!

(All birth images by Amanda of Raleigh Birth Photography)